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| LOSS AS IN GRIEF OR GRIEF
AS IN LOSS |
Dr Hossein Mubarak,
Specialist psychiatrist, Zulekha Hospital, Dubai. |
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Loss is an inevitable part of life, and grief is a natural part of the
healing process. The reasons for grief are many, such as the loss of a
symbol — a national or religious leader — or the loss of loved
one. The loss of health. The letting go of a long-held dream. Dealing with
a significant loss can be one of the most difficult times in a person's
life.
There are different kinds of losses. "Feelings of loss are very personal
and only you know what is significant to you. People commonly associate
certain losses with strong feelings of grief," says Dr. Hossein Mubarak,
specialist psychiatrist, Zulekha Hospital, Dubai.
Dr. Mubarak, who has a fellowship from the American Medical Society and
is Board Psychiatry (Austria) certified, gives a listing of the different
kinds of loss:
• Death of a partner
• Death of a colleague/classmate
• Death of symbol national, religious
• Mass loss s as in war/natural disaster
• Death of spouse
• Death of a sibling
• Death of a close relative
• Death of a close friend
• Death of a parent or child
• Serious illness of a loved one
• Relationship break-up
• Loss of job
" There is a sudden as opposed to predictable loss," says Dr Mubarak. "Sudden
or shocking losses could be the fallout of crime, accidents, or suicide/war/disasters
and these would be traumatic to the extreme. There is no inkling of their coming,
and therefore no way to prepare for them. They can challenge the sense of security
and confidence in the predictability of life. There could be symptoms such as
sleep disturbance, nightmares, distressing thoughts, social isolation, or severe
anxiety."
Predictable losses (like that due to terminal illness) sometimes allow
more time to prepare for the loss. However, these create two layers of
grief: the grief related to the anticipation of the loss, and the grief
related to the final loss. The duration of the grief process is different
for different people. "There is no predictable schedule for grief.
Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process cannot be
rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience the
feelings and your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support,
things generally do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates,
holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss." Taking
care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during
these times are ways that can help tide over the grief process, says Dr
Mubarak. He says that when experiencing grief, it is quite normal to feel...
like you are "going crazy" Unable to focus or concentrate, Irritable
or angry (at the deceased, oneself, others, higher powers), Frustrated
or be misunderstood, Anxious, nervous or fearful, Like you want to "escape",
Guilt or remorse, Ambivalence and Numbness.
There are stages to grieving, says Dr. Mubarak. "several authors have
described typical stages or needs that the grieving person experiences.
For example, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggested that grief is characterized
by the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Alan Wolfelt described 'mourning needs', which include acknowledging the
reality of the death, embracing the pain of loss, remembering the person
who died, developing a new self-identity, searching for meaning and receiving
ongoing support from others."
Dr. Mubarak, however, lays stress on the fact that the grief process is
not linear. "It is more often experienced in cycles. Grief is sometimes
compared to climbing a spiral staircase where things can look and feel
like you are just going in circles, yet you are actually making progress.
Patience with the process and allowing feelings to come without judgment
can help. If you feel stuck in your grief, talking to a counselor or a
supportive person may help you move forward in the healing process."
Also, the cultural background has a role to play. "It can affect how
people understand and approach the grief process. Some cultures anticipate
a "time to grieve" and have developed rituals to help people
through the grief process. Support from others can be a reminder that grief
is a universal experience and that you are not alone. After a significant
loss, some cultures have mourning rituals to mark the passage of time and
help individuals reconnect with their ordinary lives.
" You may not be conscious of how your own cultural background affects your
grief process. Talking with family, friends or clergy is one way to strengthen
your awareness of possible cultural influences in your life. Friends and family
may be able to help you generate ideas to create your own rituals. Some have
found solace in creating their own unconventional ceremonies, such as a funeral
or ceremony with personal friends in a private setting."
So how can you cope with grief? Dr. Mubarak lists a relaxed regimen:
Talk to family or friends - Seek counseling - Read poetry or prose - Engage
in social activities – Exercise - Eat good foods - Seek spiritual
support - Take time to relax - Join a support group - Listen to music -
Be patient with yourself - Let yourself feel the grief
" Each one of us has an individual style of coping with painful times. The
list above may help you generate ideas about how to manage your feelings of grief.
You may want to experiment with these ideas or create a list of your own. Talking
to friends who have dealt with loss in the past can help you generate new ways
of coping. Only you know what coping skills will fit best with your personality
and lifestyle."
And one way of doing that is to recall the ways you've dealt with painful
times in the past. It's important to note that some ways of coping with
grief are helpful, like talking to others, writing a journal, and so forth.
Others may be hurtful or destructive to the healing process, like substance
abuse or isolation. Healthy coping skills are important in resolving a
loss. They cannot take away your feelings of loss. They can, however, tip
the balance in favor of the healing process. |
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